The Eight DOs and DON'Ts of Hatake Kakashi
by RuneWitchSakura
Summary: Just what the tile says. Plus much beating up of Naruto's head. Humorous beatings of course.
1. Breakfast

The DOs and DON'Ts of Breakfast

DO allow Kakashi to beg to eat breakfast at your place before telling him no. Kakashi-begging is fun to watch.

"Pleeeeaaaassssseeee, Sakura-chan," Kakashi said, "Can I please have breakfast at your place? Your cooking is the best." Sakura ignored him in favor of trying to convince Sasuke to go out on a date with her. She _could _hear Kakashi and Kakashi was well aware of that fact so he continued.

"Pleeeeaaaassssseeee, Sakura-chan! Pretty please!" Kakashi was well aware of the fact that Naruto was sniggering now. And he could see Sasuke struggling not to join the blonde. Kakashi was now down on his knees in front of Sakura, causing her to stop annoying Sasuke for a moment.

"Pleeeeaaaasss-"

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura interrupted, looked at the hopeful look on his face, and uttered on word, "No." She then walked around him and caught up with Sasuke who hadn't stopped walking. Kakashi pouted.

DON'T invite him over for breakfast if all you have to eat is ramen.

"You can eat breakfast at my place, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto offered. Kakashi perked up a little. Naruto's cooking was almost as good as Sakura's, as long as they weren't having…

"I'm having Ramen."

…that.

"Naruto," Kakashi said, bonking him on the head, eliciting a loud "OW!" from the blonde, "No." Kakashi walked in the same direction that Sakura and Sasuke went. Maybe some more begging would cause her to give in.

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I got this idea just from thinking about the 'Good Idea, Bad Idea' thing from Animaniacs. It led me on the trail of thought that stealing Kakashi's little orange book would be a bad idea. Then I came up with a good idea for that. Then decided to just make it DOs and DON'Ts. Thus: 'The Eight DOs and DON'Ts of Hatake Kakashi.' Remember, first person to review gets the next chappie dedicated to them. Smiles.

Rune


	2. Kakashi’s Little Orange Book

This chappie is dedicated to: million bullets

Thanks for reviewing: million bullets, Yamimaru, and Sharingan Hikari

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Kakashi's Little Orange Book

DO steal his little orange book if you want something from him. It is the quickest way to get him to agree.

Kakashi was walking to a secluded area for the day. It was one of those days where the grass was green, the sky was blue, the sun was shinning…you get the picture, right? He also didn't have to deal with his gennin team, having given them the day off. He was of course immersed in that little orange book of his. I'm sure you know which one. The perverted one that Jiraiya writes - the Icha Icha series.

He was so immersed in his little orange book, in fact, that he never noticed that he was being followed. He did however notice when he got kicked in the head. Sakura landed in front of him. He mentally groaned, not noticing the fact that he no longer had his perverted book.

"What is it you want Sakura?" Kakashi asked, wanting to get back to his beloved book.

"I want you to train me like you're supposed too," she said. Kakashi sighed.

"I gave you all the day off."

"Well, fine," Sakura said, holding up a book, "If you really don't want this back…" Kakashi's eyes, well, only visible eye widened. That was _his_ book! When the hell did she get it?

"I guess I'll just have to get rid off it," Sakura said, before taking off.

"Dammit!" Kakashi yelled, before taking off after her, only to find her next to a near by stream, holding his precious book above the water, which would undoubtedly ruin it. He put up his arms in the 'I surrender' fashion.

"Now, Sakura. Don't do anything drastic." She moved the book closer to the water.

"You'll train me then?" Kakashi hesitated in his answer, just long enough for Sakura to move the book even closer to the water.

"OKAY! Yes, I'll train you! Just…don't kill the book." Sakura smiled, before putting it in her bag.

"Okay. You can have it back when trainings over." Kakashi's eye twitched. And he had just gotten to a really suspenseful good part too.

DON'T steal his little orange book just because your bored.

Naruto walked down the street. Having been given the day off by Kakashi, and not having anything else to do made him, well, bored. He saw Kakashi walking up ahead. He had just finished training Sakura. Read: He grabbed his book and ran away. Not that Naruto knew this of course. Then he noticed the little orange book in Kakashi's hand.

Now being perfectly innocent (and you're typical blonde idiot), Naruto had no idea what the book was about, and was curious. He shrugged. Might as well try to find out. It might help with the boredom. And as before, Kakashi never noticed he was being followed.

It was, however, kind of hard not to notice being held down by Naruto clones as the real one ran away with his beloved book.

"Dammit! NARUTO!" Kakashi yelled, as he got rid of all the clones, then took off after the blonde. Naruto was ahead of him, and reading from the book.

"Kakashi-sensei! You pervert!" Naruto yelled, looking back to see Kakashi catching up to him quickly. Naruto turned back to watch where he was going, only to see Sasuke training up ahead.

"SASUKE! Catch!" Naruto yelled tossing the book. Sasuke saw the book coming and had only one thought.

'Target Practice.'

Destroying said book is also classified as a DON'T.

"Katon: Ryuuka no Jutsu!"

"Oh, shit," Naruto said, as Kakashi caught up to him, just in time to see the remnants of his precious book be blown away by the wind.

"Na-ru-to!"

"RUN SASUKE!" Naruto yelled, grabbing Sasuke's wrist, and pulling him away from their irate Jounin teacher.

"Get back here!" Kakashi yelled, causing the two gennin's to only run faster.

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Bye-bye bookie! And I totally forgot what the book was called. I think I spelled it right. Just not sure. No offence to any blondes. (I'm a brunette and I do more stupid stuff than my blonde friends.) The chapters are going to be of various lengths depending on what they're about and how many DOs or DON'Ts there are on the subject. Next chapter: The DOs and DON'Ts of Spiders! Kakashi will make such a wonderful arachnophobe, don't you think? Smiles.

Rune


	3. Spiders

This chappie is dedicated to: xxOathkeeper

Thanks for reviewing: xxOathkeeper, Red14, Gothic Kacie, million bullets , hyper active naruto fan, Animelove101, Amei-chan, and Princess Lena aka Lady Kittuna

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Spiders

DO dump a bucket of spiders in his bed to get him back for something.

An evil looking shadow entered Kakashi's bedroom while he was sleeping. You'd think that Kakashi would have set up traps or woken up being a ninja and all, but nope. Evil-looking-shadow stepped into the light of Kakashi's Icha Icha shaped nightlight, revealing the evil-looking-shadow to be Gai.

"Let's see him ignore me now," Gai chuckled, pouring the contents of a bucket on Kakashi's bed. He snickered as he left the room. He was a couple rooftops away when he heard an ear piercing girly scream come from Kakashi's room.

Kakashi really REALLY hated spiders.

DON'T get caught.

Lee does pretty much everything the same way Gai does. Same hairdo, same clothes, same "POWER OF YOUTH" speeches.

And same tendency to dump a bucket of spiders in Kakashi's bed.

Lee entered the room only to find Kakashi wasn't in his bed. A shadow fell over Lee and he turned to see a glaring Kakashi. Kakashi's only visible eye twitched. Lee was about to experience One Thousand Years of Pain.

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Not my favorite chapter. I still think it's funny though. To Animelove101: I will be doing one about his mask. That's in chapter seven. Next Chapter: The DOs and DON'Ts of Rin! Read and Review. Smiles.

Rune


	4. Rin

This chappie is dedicated to: realdarkangel

Thanks for reviewing: realdarkangel, AkatSaku, Sabishii Kage Tenshi, Frozen Wolf13, Veve, KaraKedi, ktty, Kaira-chan15, Kourin Ogawa, ClarinetWrathArineko, Princess Lena aka Lady Kittuna, Raikiri-no-Jutsu, Animelove101, Daemon Unix, Eldr-Fire, Sharingan Hikari, Gothic Tigress , Amei-chan, million bullets, yondaime-kun, Scott'sAngel123 , and PabloandDuck

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Rin

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**DO say 'Damn, Rin looks pissed,' and watch as Kakashi runs away.**

Kakashi was late…again. Naruto, showing a surprising amount of deviousness, had conned Jiraiya (more like gotten him drunk) into telling him stories about Kakashi's genin teammates…Rin in particular.

Apparently she was to Kakashi like Sakura was to Sasuke when Rin was happy and like Sakura was to him when Rin wasn't.

And Kakashi feared Rin when she wasn't happy. Naruto smiled when Kakashi showed up before looking behind him and saying, "Damn, Rin looks pissed." Kakashi made a strange whining noise.

"Class dismissed," he said, before taking off running. Sakura and Sasuke blinked in confusion.

"Rin?"

**DON'T say 'Who the hell is Rin again?' while he's still in earshot.**

Naruto blinked in confusion after they asked. He had forgotten who the woman was already.

"Who the hell is Rin again?" he asked himself. Kakashi, with his extraordinary hearing, heard.

"Oh yeah! Rin's one of Kakashi-sensei's teammates! He's scared of her when she's not hap-OW! Kakashi-sensei! That hurt!' Kakashi had bopped him on the head. For good measure, Kakashi did it again ("OW!"). And again ("OW! Kakashi-sensei!).

And again ("OW!").

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Yes, I realize it's been a while, but my computer crashed and I just only recently found my paper written plans for this. Luckily, I got a laptop for my birthday so I could write it up. Next Time: The DOs and DON'Ts of Sexuality and Dates. Enjoy.

Rune


	5. Sexuality And Dates

If Kakashi being portrayed as gay offends you, don't read this chapter, not even if you want to read about Naruto getting bopped on the head and punched in the face and chased by pissed off girlfriends.

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This chappie is dedicated to: flashley630

Thanks for reviewing: flashley630, Frozen Wolf13, million bullets, and MissBrown22241

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Sexuality and Dates

**DO assume that since Kakashi can read his little orange book without getting nosebleeds, he must be gay.**

The three genin members of Team 7 thought themselves to be very nice to their teacher (save that accident with the spider, and Sasuke burning his book, and Rin…). Anytime their teacher looked lonely, they would set him up on a date with a pretty girl.

Kakashi would smile, and go on the date, but he would never see the girl again. He always had an excuse too – she was too talkative; she was too quiet; her hair was too long; her hair too short; and their favorite: she doesn't like guys, she like's girls.

"I bet he's gay," Naruto said one day. "I mean he reads those books and never gets a nosebleed. Even I can't do that. OW! Sakura-chan that hurt!" Sakura had bopped him on the head and was now glaring at him.

"That would actually explain a lot," Sasuke said. Sakura immediately agreed with Sasuke, causing Naruto to grumble. Then Naruto grinned.

"And think Sasuke, you and he were all alone during that month before the third part of the Chuunin Exams. Makes one wonder if training was all you were doing." Sakura outright punching him in the face was worth the slightly panicky look on Sasuke face in Naruto's opinion.

"So we've been setting him up with the wrong sex," Sakura said. "Instead of a nice girl, we need to find him a nice guy."

"Iruka-sensei's a nice guy!" Naruto said, happily.

**DON'T try to set him up with Iruka**

Iruka blinked in confusion. He had made plans with Naruto to go get Ramen, deciding it was about time he told Naruto that he was dating Anko Mitarashi. But instead of Naruto waiting for him, a bored looking Kakashi was.

"My team is trying to set us up on a date. I think they forgot to make sure you were gay and not taken already," Kakashi said. Well, at least he was blunt about it. Maybe he should have told Naruto about Anko sooner – much sooner. Wait…

"How did Naruto get the impression that I'm gay in the first place?" Iruka asked.

"No clue," Kakashi said. "Not even sure how they figured out I was gay." Kakashi looked Iruka up and down. "You're not even my type."

"Maybe you should tell them your type then," Iruka told him, grabbing his arm and dragging him the other way. "If we're going on a date, my girlfriend is coming too. Anko-chan ought to get a kick out of this."

The Next Day

"So, how was your date last night Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"He didn't like boys, he liked girls, and he would like to know how you ever thought he was gay," Kakashi said, directing the last part to Naruto. Naruto grinned sheepishly, putting his hand behind his head.

"Well, he never goes out on dates."

"Tell that to his girlfriend."

"Huh?"

"Besides, I prefer guys that aren't so…innocent-like." Better not tell them that Anko is into bondage; that might scar them.

Later That Day

"So who do we know that isn't innocent-like?" Sakura asked.

"Gai-sensei?" Naruto asked. "OW!" Sakura had bopped him on the head again.

"We want to make him happy, not traumatize him for the rest of his life!"

"Asuma-sensei isn't innocent-like," Sasuke said. Sakura, as before, immediately agreed with Sasuke.

**OR Asuma**

Kakashi sighed. Maybe he should have told his students to make sure the next guy they set him up with was actually gay (though technically Asuma was bi), or not taken (his girlfriend, Kurenai, on the other hand, did not like to share).

"They what?" Asuma asked.

"Are trying to set me up on dates, and have finally figured out I'm gay. You are possible guy number two," Kakashi repeated. Asuma burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Kurenai asked, slipping into the seat next to her boyfriend.

"You're never going to believe this 'Nai," Asuma said, before repeating what a Kakashi had just told him.

A loud, female, "WHAT!" could be heard all around Konoha.

The Next Day

"Yesterday's date go any better?" Naruto asked.

"Hmm…why don't you ask his girlfriend," Kakashi said, pointing behind him. Naruto turned and looked.

Even if Kakashi is gay, both of them are straight, and their girlfriends will be pissed.

There was Anko Mitarashi and Kurenai Yuuhi coming up the path to the bridge, heading straight for the genin of Team 7.

"Um, guys," Naruto said, catching the attention of Sasuke and Sakura. He pointed towards the pissed off women. "We should probably…RUN LIKE HELL!" The three genin took off.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS!" both Anko and Kurenai yelled, running after them.

Kakashi sighed, before following after them. His students were just trying to make him happy – he shouldn't let Anko and Kurenai kill them because of that.

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This is part of a huge update of all my stories. This is like number 21 of 27. Anyway, please read and review. Next chapter: the DOs and DON'Ts of Sake. Smiles!

Rune


	6. Sake

This chappie is dedicated to: Karasu Kagami

Thanks for reviewing: Karasu Kagami, Polish, Frozen Wolf13, Selonianth, million bullets, salvor-chan, Thrae Elddim, and Leance

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Sake

**DO allow Kakashi to drink as much Sake as he wants.**

Kakashi was a very happy drunk, and a definite security risk when drunk (how else would his genin team know where the ANBU headquarters were, and know enough about the ANBU schedule that they could activate individual pranks for each member).

Even being a security risk, no one was willing to take Kakashi's sake from him. He, while normally very calm and laid back, would react badly to anyone that took his favorite drink from him once he was drunk (unless, of course, he offers it to you). So, other ninja normally prevented Kakashi from entering bars (that was the reason that Gai had first declared Kakashi his Eternal Rival).

Unfortunately Gai was not around when Kakashi decided to take his team out to a bar (why he did this, the genin members of Team 7 were still not sure) to prevent Kakashi from entering (only because he was already inside with his own team).

Naturally, Kakashi had gotten drunk. And being a very happy drunk, as he always was, Kakashi ordered drinks all around. The people in the bar cheered, and no doubt tomorrow Kakashi would be weeping at the loss of several weeks pay. Sake was handed out to everyone, although the bartender (remembering what happened last time) skipped over Lee. Kakashi, being a very happy drunk, thought this would make Lee sad, and offered the genin his own cup.

**DON'T allow him to share it with Lee.**

"No!" Gai, Tenten, and Neji yelled too late. Lee took a drink, and a blush appeared on his face. Sasuke squeaked and ducked as Lee lashed out at him. Lee then proceeded to destroy the bar.

Kakashi was a very happy drunk, and had a new cup of sake. The fact that Lee was destroying the bar around him didn't even make it through his head, much less to his brain.

The Next Morning

Kakashi woke up with a hangover. Apparently, he had gotten drunk yesterday. A knock at the door echoed painfully in his head and he groaned. He forced himself to get up and answer the door.

There stood the Hokage.

Uh oh.

As the Sandaime made himself right at home on Kakashi's couch, Kakashi wondered what security he compromised this time.

"Kakashi, we need to talk," the Sandaime said softly, well aware that Kakashi's head was throbbing painfully.

"What did I do this time?"

"You gave Rock Lee sake." Kakashi blinked in confusion.

"I…don't follow."

"Rock Lee is proficient in the Drunken Fist style."

"Ah."

"He destroyed the bar."

"Eee."

"The bartender is charging you the price of fixing it. And don't forget about paying for all the injuries that were sustained from Lee's drunken assault. You have to pay those too." Kakashi winced.

"How much?"

"200, 375 ryo worth of damages to the bar, and then the 623 ryo you owe the bartender for buying the whole bar a round of drinks. Then there is 123,486 ryo in hospital bills. The total comes to 324,484 ryo."

"Egnh." Kakashi fell back in a dead faint. Kakashi would be weeping over the loss of his paychecks, but instead of for several weeks, it would be for at least a year.

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Poor, poor Kakashi. Well, at least my Naruto-muse is happy that he didn't get hit, although he's not too happy that Sasuke managed to duck. Read and review, please. Next chapter: the DOs and DON'Ts of Kakashi's Mask. Smiles!

Rune


	7. Kakashi's Mask

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, or anything related to it.

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Kakashi's Mask

**DO try your best to see what is under his mask.**

Seventeen.

The number of plans Naruto had to see behind Kakashi's mask, including catching him while he was sleeping, using a fake spider to peel it back, challenging Naruto's own eternal rival (Lee) to a game of 'who can get Kakashi's mask off first', having Sasuke light it on fire, and, Naruto's personal favorite, taking him to the Ramen stand and buying him lunch.

Of course, all their plans failed. Lee wailed about his defeat and how he would run five-hundred laps around Konoha for his failure. He was on lap two-hundred thirty-seven last time they checked. Ino had blocked their view of him at the Ramen stand. Kakashi had fire-proofed his mask, but not the rest of his clothes, so he walked around nude (save for the mask) for the rest of the day, until Kurenai hit him over the head with a bat for traumatizing Hinata.

Kakashi wore so many masks to bed, they had barely gotten through the first hundred when he woke up. And the fake spider had only gotten them extra training in 'Boot Camp Hell, Kakashi Style'.

Nothing they did had worked. Finally, tired of the numerous, normally complicated, plans of Naruto, Sakura went with something simple.

**When all else fails, DON'T forget to ask what his face looks like.**

"What _does_ your face look like?" Sakura asked. Kakashi smiled, and took off his mask, showing his face to the three genin. Sakura passed out from blood loss via a nosebleed almost instantly.

"Whoa," Naruto said.

"Damn," Sasuke said.

"No wonder you where a mask. If the fangirls knew what you looked like, you'd never be left alone!" Naruto said. Sasuke perked up, pulled out a camera, and took several pictures before Kakashi managed to put his mask back on.

"No more fangirls for me," Sasuke said, cackling. "They'll all be after you within the week." Kakashi didn't make a move as Sasuke took of running.

"That doesn't bother you?" Naruto asked.

"I can have these distributed just as quickly," Kakashi said, handing Naruto several photos of an ugly face beneath his mask. "Sasuke's attempts to get rid of his fangirls will be futile."


	8. Gai and Big Mouths

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, or anything related to it.

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The DOs and DON'Ts of Gai and Big Mouths

**DO tell Gai that Kakashi called him a bucket head.**

Sasuke's eye twitched yet again. His attempt to get rid of his fangirls didn't work, and now even the few fangirls Kakashi did have, were after him. It was, of course, all Kakashi's fault. So, Sasuke decided to get revenge, Naruto style. And it only involved being near Gai and Lee for a few moments.

He could do that.

Hopefully.

A Few Minutes Later

The look on Gai's face was hilarious. The reason for the look: Sasuke had just told him Kakashi called him a bucket head. He actually had called Gai a bucket head, but he did it in one of his 'rants' after being exposed to Gai and Lee's hugging genjutsu thing.

Sasuke, however, left that out.

Later That Night

An ear piercing scream washed over Konoha. Most people recognized the scream as Kakashi's 'There are spider's on me' scream, and so ignored it. The ones that didn't recognize it, were quickly informed by those that did, and also ignored it.

**DON'T tell your teammates you're the reason Gai put spiders in Kakashi's bed…again, while Kakashi is in hearing range.**

"You seem oddly happy," Naruto commented, when Sasuke showed up for training. Sasuke was, in fact, grinning widely. "Did you finally figure out a way to get rid of your fangirls?"

"No, but it's almost as good. You heard Kakashi's screaming last night?"

"Yeah, I figured Gai put spiders in his bed again."

"He did," Sasuke said.

"I wonder why," Sakura said.

"Probably because I told him Kakashi called him a bucket head." The three genin got a good laugh, until a shadow fell over Sasuke.

"YOU!" Kakashi yelled.

"Uh oh," Sasuke said, before running.


End file.
